When did THIS happen?

I’m not quite sure how it happened.


It appears that someone else has taken over my body and left both Joel and I extremely confused.



One night about a month ago I went to bed as normal, but when I woke, a highly strung Baby-Nazi was in my place, being all bossy and rule-ish and controlling.


As you can imagine, Joel was not impressed.


The other week, Ella was crying. She was extremely over-tired and Joel was trying to settle her. The Baby-Nazi was watching and judging and noticing that he was just doing it all wrong.  So she barged in. She grabbed Ella straight out of hims arms and said Here, let me do it. He looked back, shocked, and said What are you doing? I told him that I know what works and that I couldn’t relax watching him do it wrong and that she needs to go to sleep right now and every minute longer she stays awake is only going to make it worse. So please Joel, just let me do it. He fired back: Rachel, look at yourself. You are getting out of control. I shot back But you don’t know what works. You don’t know what she likes.




He left the room, hurt, and I just stood there. Stunned and ashamed.



Does this happen to all mums? I can’t be sure. I don’t know too many. Maybe because I’ve been her primary carer for the past 3 months, I’ve grown to know her in a more intimate way than anyone else possibly could. Maybe I feel like this gives me the authority to boss and grab and dictate. Maybe I’ve been burnt one too many times in the many afternoons I’ve spent soothing her arsenic-hour-moods, and so the sound of her crying in someone else’s arms when I know what will instantly stop it sends me crazy. Maybe I consider myself The One Who Knows Best and therefore push away any helping hands and hearts.


Whatever the reason, it’s a problem.



My progression into Motherhood, it seems, has gone something like this:

Week 0-2

They put me in charge? What the hell am I supposed to do? Joel, you are not leaving me alone with her. What does she wantI don’t know what she wants. WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE WANT?!? JOEL!

Week 3-5

Okay, Ella, it’s you and me. Daddy’s gone back to work so I’m all you’ve got. Joel, you can meet your friends for a beer after work but come straight home. I might need back-up. In fact, I will need back-up. So scrap that – you can’t go for a beer. Come home.

Week 6-9

Ella, I’ve got you sussed, honey. Joel – go surfing, go to aikido, go for a beer, do whatever you like, I am OKAY! (I can’t believe he even wants to go out. Why would you want to be away from this goodness? She is the BEST.)

Week 10 +

No, Joel you’re DOING it wrong. She likes being upright. She likes this toy. She needs to be bounced up and down not side to side. Talk to her more. She needs to be fed soon, you can’t take her for a walk. That bath is too hot. We don’t DO things in that order. No, not that jumpsuit. No, no, no, it’s all WRONG!



See? Baby-Nazi. Just appeared straight outta nowhere.



And although I appreciate her knowledge and efficiency and organisation, I think I need to ask her to kindly leave so Joel doesn’t run away with the circus and leave me all alone. Maybe her twin sister could replace her – the one with all the know-how but who is kind and decent and open to the concept of partnership. The one who doesn’t FREAK OUT if Joel doesn’t soothe quick enough, rock gently enough or love her-way enough.



Any suggestions on where I could find her?

7 Responses to “When did THIS happen?”

  1. Jodie

    Love this! Good on you for trying to keep the baby nazi under control, but be warned, she will show up constantly! I think as mums we inherit a control freak gene, so as much as we want AND NEED help, sometimes it is agonizing watching someone else do it…..especially when it doesn’t work straight away. My advice, when you feel her entering the room, leave it, preferably with wine in hand and go somewhere you can’t hear the fussing/ crying. It will help you, Ella, Joel and any other well intended helpers! One more thing, when you master it, can you teach me how:) x

  2. Tanya

    I once heard some advice and loved it so much I tell anyone who will listen. “the secret to a good marriage is leaving several things unsaid every day”. He is her father as much as you are her mother but he doesnt get the alone time to master it yet. I dont’ think you really start to get to know a child until you’re alone with them. Perhaps leave them alone while you go for a walk or out for coffee or down the shops so they can get to know each other in the same way you and Ella know each other. Joel might find ways to soothe her and entertain her that are his alone. There is no damage a loving and kind father can do to their child.

  3. rachwiley

    Tanya, I think I’d like to shrink you all miniature and put you in my pocket and carry you around with me all day. Jodie, the ‘leave the room wine in hand’ advice could be a winner. I’ll definitely try that.

  4. Tanya

    Rach, I felt the same way about you during each of my pregnancies.

  5. Pip

    Hey Rach, been reading all your blogs. You’re such a good writer. Keep writing, I’m addicted 🙂
    It’s really easy to become a baby nazi. You never think you will before you have the baby, then breastfeeding comes along and you are by default the primary carer.
    Sometimes you just need to let go and trust. Throw caution to the wind and let Joel do his thing. May not be the same as your thing, or as good as your thing, but it will still be a good thing. And the more you let him do his thing the better he’ll get at it.
    If all else fails and he still doesn’t do it the way you think it should be done, just go out and have a coffee somewhere.
    I remember Tim questioning something I did with Conor when he was a tiny baby and feeling very resentful and thinking, how dare he? Doesn’t he know how much I love Conor? Just remember, Joel may be feeling something similar each time you don’t trust him to do his thing….
    I know it’s really really hard, but just let go and trust. It’s okay.

  6. rachwiley

    Pip, that’s exactly it. I never thought I’d be like this before I had the baby. Although I think Mother Nature designed things so that a mum inherits a fierce protectiveness over her baby, it’s obviously unhealthy to not let go and trust. Your message brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for understanding. It is okay, I know 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: