Lately I have been noticing myself saying the following things:
It will be so good when Ella is old enough to take camping.
It will be so good when we can take her in the ocean.
It will be so good to watch her be a big sister.
It will be so good when she can sit up.
And every time I notice one of these little sentences slipping out of my mouth unchecked, I instantly wish I could stuff it back inside. Every time I make a comment like this I think, Why are we so bad at just shutting up and quieting down and being grateful?
Because, friends, I get so nervous if I’m not appreciating what’s right in front of me. I get so scared when I catch myself wishing my life away because I’m worried that I’ll end up old and grey thinking, That’s IT? That’s my life done? Where the hell was I?
You guys, I don’t want to miss all the things that we are too busy, too loud and too ignorant to see. I don’t want to skip past all the tiny little things that make up a good life, because I reckon it’s those things that are the gold. Not the big things. The big things are hidden in the little things, I think.
Don’t laugh, but a lot of my thoughts are spent trying not to think. The other main thought I have is WHY HASN’T JOEL CLEANED UP THIS GOD-FORSAKEN MESS, but I try not to listen too much to that one because I’ve been told the secret of a good marriage is to let several things go unsaid everyday. For us, that’s pretty much all things related to Joel’s mess.
And, no, we’re not married. Not technically.
We are except for the wedding and the ring.
Anyhow, I spend a lot of time just trying to be exactly where I am. Instead of re-living the hurt of words which were said to me days ago. Instead of dreaming of a future I’m sure will bring me more happiness. Instead of making up stories in my head about why people do and say the things they do and then judging them for it.
I don’t know about you, but I’m the happiest version of myself when I’m actually there. I’m so thrilled when I notice how good that hot water feels on my skin, how delicious my breakfast tastes, how breathtakingly beautiful my daughter is, how kind Joel is when he brings me a glass of water. I’m my most happiest when I just get really, really quiet and let go of my head and my stories and my assumptions and my disappointments and my blame and everything that’s not actually happening.
Because it’s not actually happening.
And, you guys, I have found that I’m getting awfully good at this evolved, spiritual kind of life. In fact, I think I’m a natural. I must be near enlightenment, I think, because I’m so focussed on being in the moment that I seem to be forgetting menial earthly tasks like the groceries and calling friends back and cleaning the house and going to the post office. I’m just so busy Taking It All In that these things will simply have to take their place in line. That’s dedication, right? I told you I was getting good at it.
Now Joel, if you are reading this.
I will refrain from getting angry about your mess if you refrain from getting angry about my lack of getting much done.
I did buy some slippers from the shops today, however, so you should be incredibly proud of me. Those kinds of things are hard for someone as spiritually evolved as me.