Joel’s Magic Cucumbers

Aww, y’all came back.


Well, then.

Joel’s Magic Cucumbers turned out to be African Melons.

African Horned Melons.

Which apparently breed like rabbits.

Joel tells me he didn’t even mean to plant the ‘cucumbers’. He accidentally dropped a packet of them into the veggie garden and now they’ve taken over everything.

And now I HATE the African Melons.

Even more than when I thought they were just angry-looking cucumbers.



Wikipedia tells me that the fruit of the horned melon is edible, but it is more often used for decoration than for food.

Yes, that’s correct.


What you’d be decorating I do not know.



Wikipedia also tells me that they taste like a combination of banana, cucumber and lemon.

Which is a politically correct way of saying they taste dreadful.



Anyway, yesterday we had a working bee to get rid of the melons.

Which everyone knows means Joel had a working bee to get rid of the melons and I just followed him around taking photos.


Joel: Go away, Rachel. I know what you’re doing.

Me: What? I’m not doing anything. I just want to keep you company.

Joel: No you don’t. You want material.

And then he looked at me like this:




Obviously, not a man who enjoys being kept company.

He looks like he’s in PAIN being kept company.


I stayed very quiet as I tried to think of something to say back to that truth absolute lie.

I couldn’t think of anything so I continued to follow him around. He kept looking back, with great suffering in his eyes, as he heard my little camera go click-click. I went quiet for a long time, which in Joel’s mind is a dead give-away for suspicious behaviour. He looked up, examined me and said, “Rachel, I know that look. You’re already writing the next blog in your head aren’t you?”

I looked back, in mock-shock and told him to ignore me. Just carry on , I said. Pretend like I’m not even here.

And then I took this photo of him.




By the look on his face, I was starting to assume that he hated the melons just as much as I hated the melons.

Or he just hated me taking photos of him.



He continue to pull out the melons which had multiplied themselves all over the garden. And since he had already cottoned-on to my motives, I had no need to disguise the activities of my camera.





You guys, they were everywhere.

Joel’s cucumbers were everywhere.

I think there must have been about 30 in total.


I knew the extermination of the melons was serious when Joel brought this out.




Now, friends, because photography is not one of my many talents, let me just tell you that what you see in the above picture is Joel holding in his sweet little hand a machete. A machete like they used in the killings of the Rwandan Genocide. A machete like is traditionally used for cutting through dense rain forest scrub and sugarcane and for splitting open coconuts.



What he needs a machete for in Brisbane suburbia I do not know. To this day, I can’t recall having drunk from one coconut, nor have I enjoyed a single cup of sugar cane tea. And I cannot for the life of me see any dense rainforest undergrowth that needs clearing anywhere in our backyard. Apparently I was not the only one confused. When Joel returned from South America with this piece of weaponry snuggled safely inside his backpack, the Australian customs official asked, ” Ah sir, is that a machete in your bag? And if so, can I ask what it is doing there?”


So anyway, out came the machete and Joel ripped the melons off their vine and threw them into our wheely bin, one after the other. Although I hated the African Melons, it seemed like such a shame to watch them go to waste. So I talked to Joel again.

Me: Why don’t you at least save some to eat?

Joel: I’ve already tried them. They’re disgusting.

Which, of course, I already knew because I had googled. Truth be told, I just wanted to stir him up a bit. It’s become one of my favourite things to do, Joel-stirring. So funny.

I then asked him how he was possibly going to get rid of all the African Melons and stop them growing back and he said that he’ll just keep mowing over them.


That’s right, friends, he’ll just keep mowing over them.


I must have been looking at Joel in disbelief because he then said, “Rach, you wait. I am going to get this veggie garden right back to its former glory, so blog about THAT.”



Friends, I think we need to move.



Rachel xxx

2 Responses to “Joel’s Magic Cucumbers”

  1. Oma

    very very funny…..ya know, those ugglies are going to keepn back don’t ya?


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