I knew something was amiss when I was at an engagement party last night and cried EVERY TIME five separate people asked me, “And how’s Ella?” I SWORE to myself I wouldn’t cry. Before we left, I gave myself a stern talking to. For the love of God, Rachel, PULL. IT. TOGETHER, I said, and promptly departed. But I was just so tired and sleep deprivation doesn’t care if you are at an extremely civilized event. It doesn’t care if you are dressed and made up. It doesn’t care if you purchased your FIRST EVER pair of high heels in the hope you pull off elegance and composure.
So the tissues were passed. The kind smiles were given and on the way home, I admitted that things were worse than I thought and decided then and there that I needed to change things before I broke completely.
Over these last few days, I have hit lows I have never before experienced since Ella was born and they scared the living heck out of me. It’s a terrifying place, the edge you go to. It’s not somewhere I want to become a regular visitor of.
So you guys, I’m unplugging for a little while. I’m putting things, including this beautiful tent, on hold for two weeks so I can commit to changing some things at home. Ella is going through a really rough patch. I’m only getting a few hours of sleep each night. Joel and I are straining under her pressure. As of today, we are trialing some new approaches with her and I need to focus all my energy on that for now. I have to be organized with this new thing we are trialing, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not as organized as previously believed. I have a sneaking suspicion that I get stressed when I have to be organized. It takes a little while for me to get in the flow of being organized and although women are supposed to be notoriously good at multi-tasking, I instead have a small-scale freak out and cancel everything so I can do one thing at a time. Hard things I can do. Easy things, though, like being organized? Like cooking and cleaning and washing and schedules and remembering to feed the cat? Easy things are the challenge. How women keep all the balls in the air at once, I do not know. Surely they don’t. Surely I just catch glimpses of them in the air at fortunate moments. Surely the minute no one’s looking they crash to the ground. At least one of them, anyway.
So. Fingers crossed, we have a dream baby on our hands and I’ll be back sooner than I thought. I’m going to miss you all.
“This is one thing they forget to mention in most child-rearing books, that at times you will just lose your mind. Period. ”
― Anne Lamott