Let’s talk weather.
The heat wave I wake up and go to sleep to feels wicked. Like a premeditated assault on my body. It’s making me kind of hysterical. So while I’ve consistently made a deliberate point to revel in this (probably last) experience of growing life, these past couple of days I simply could not avert my mind from wishing he was out. From yearning this pregnancy gig to be up. These days, I just want to keep still. In cold water. While my child is sufficiently entertained.
So yesterday we went to the local water park, Ella and I. For three hours my daughter shrieked and splashed and made friends and called out Ma-ma! when she was suddenly pulled from her own little world of thoughts and had lost track of where I was. Her eyes eventually rested on the water slide and I could tell by the way they changed – in that split second before she said anything – that her day had been made. “Slide!” she said and scrambled out of the pool and along the path to the top of the slide. She was resolute, eager and elated. I marvelled at all that had changed, and for once I was not nostalgic for the baby that was gone. Rather, I was proud of her.
She plonked herself down at the top of the water slide (which was probably a little too big for her to go on alone since it made me feel a little nervous), checked I was there waiting to catch her and pushed off.
Her smile. It slays me. And as I watched her ‘weeeee’ down the slide I thought it both a frightening and glory-full truth that I won’t ever, until the day I die, be able to separate myself from her. That is to say, if she is happy, I am happy. If she is tormented, I am tormented. Which is, precisely, what makes motherhood so dangerously captivating. To be binded to somebody in such a way not so much takes your power, but takes your control, and the open window your heart then becomes is precisely what makes it as beautiful.
The next time she went down, she didn’t check if I would catch her, because she knew I would. She simply plonked herself down, made no eye contact, and pushed off, hurtling towards my outstretched arms. As I watched her face crumple with joy, I thought how good it must feel to be loved like that. To not even bother to check if you will be caught at the end. To just know with absolute certainty that you will.
For all the times I’ve doubted my success as a mother, for all the should-I-be-doing-more and should-I-be-doing-less, I know that, really, I have only one job.
To catch her.
Even when she’s not looking.
Especially when she’s not looking.
A little Friday Photo Dump catch-up (pretend it’s Friday!) : My Small Instagram Happies (theredtent if you care to follow the feed).
And leaving you with a quote that made me happy today:
“Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it.”~Wilferd Peterson