Joel’s taken both kids camping (may we pause for a minute’s silence to honour The Superdads among us) which means I’ve had a delicious nineteen hours to myself with another few to go. The house was so still and peaceful last night I could hear the crickets slurring their symphony through my open window and it astounded me how such a simple thing could make me so happy. I thought of calling a friend to head down for a few glasses of wine at this hole-in-the-wall bar I love, and then I thought of going to another friend’s house for pizza and a movie, all the while making great plans with myself to finally catch up on all the cleaning and washing and cooking I long to do without kids under my feet. But in the end, the crickets lulled me into a trance of summer and relaxation and despite merry pleas from my old neighbours to join them in their Sunday session, I opted for self care and silence: a bubble bath, a glass of wine, a book and the pleasant company of myself.
It was like giving myself a long, overdue massage – crinks slowly unravelling at the thought of not having to talk or answer Why mummy? until at least lunchtime today.
My business cards and marketing products arrived last week – a little end-of-week cartwheel with a virtual mint mojito to boot. May we all take another minute’s silence to honour Thea from Jean and Joyce who designed them all (paper and parties…her byline – so cute).
Shhhhh, still 30 seconds to go.
Thea took how my photography looks and feels to me and turned it into this Thing. This thing I’m so proud to own and call mine. A new website is coming soon – cue excited applause – and I’ll be popping in again tomorrow with a sweet little photo session from the weekend but for now, a little Fuel Yourself Friday/Monday post because I’ve been meaning to do one for ages and there’s nothing like feeling like it’s Friday when it’s really Monday, right?
Behold, a few of The Internet’s latest best finds, mostly gathered by my friend Bec who has insomnia and stays up all night posting cool stuff to my Facebook feed. One more minute’s silence for Bec, too, if you will. Insomnia’s a b*%ch.
Find One: This. A six-year-old’s advice on life and overcoming fear, turned into a gorgeous little movie. So worth watching.
Find Two: The funniest post that went viral last week – sent to me by several different friends. One friend said she was sitting in bed at night reading it, laughing so hard she cried. Her husband asked if she was actually going to wet herself. Bad language warning, so if that offends you, skip this one.
*Favourite line: The nurses have asked him to go for a walk….
ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION….
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT….
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT CHILLI OIL OR VICKS (YEAH THE SMELLY STUFF) ANYWHERE I REPEAT ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR VAGINA!
THIS COMES TO YOU VIA ME THE POOR SUCKER…. SITTING IN THE MATERNITY UNIT WITH MY A$$ AND SAID VAGINA BOILING THE ICE BUCKET IM SITTING IN…
I WANT TO GO BACK TO PEELING MY RAW EGGS (THAT WAS YESTERDAYS BABY BRAIN) NOW….
Im actually laughing…. could be the pain…. could be the stupidity…. could even be the pain relief…. but anyways… just DONT DO IT….
34 weeks pregnant…
DAY ONE OF THE GREAT BURNT BADGER…
Ok soooooooooo i hate chilli HATE IT…. but we have a chilli plant (HAD A PLANT…. I AM BURNING THAT EVIL DEMONIC BASTARD THING IF IF I EVER RECOVER) Im picking the poxy little things for the MR to pickle (he just looooooooooves the asshole to burn APPARENTLY well thats what i think) i picked these tiny pathetic little lava suckers…. get in the house and sneeze…. shit shit shit waddle waddle waddle i need to peeeeeeeee waddle waddle DONT LEAK DONT LEAK…. yes made it… omg soooooooooo good….. and wipe…. holy freaking shit balls mother fooker god damn im seeing stars the pains intense…. i scream…. hubby comes and gets me and puts me onto the bed…. im screaming and frashing about begging for something anything to stop the burn….. he gets a cold flannel…. it helps…. then Mr says ill put some vaseline on it…. in his rush he grabbed vicks…. he smoothers it on…. the shit just slides off as its too hot down stairs to stick BUT it does mat into my nice little mound of lady flufff the stuffs like superglue in cotton wool…..
I am now laying/tossing/thrashing about in bed and have a twat that is burned to the buggery, matted lady fluff thats like a little bush on fire (wish chilli bush was on fire) and i am too scared to pee…. mind due it would probably be cooler than i think…. my bumhole is just as hot…. Ever tried walking to a car with the demonic hell fire pits raging through your groin????!!!!! My legs were spread that damn wide trying to get a cool breeze the neighbours and all saw me wheeled out via the ambulance men again suprised they fitted me through the door as my legs still spread…. mind due the neighbours know my vag was on fire… i was quite vocal about it…. im going to have to move i think…..
The rate i am going i could probably write a book….
Im calling it
Baby brain fook ups and burnt badger
the MR says to me as i am sitting in my god damn ice bucket “honey arent you afraid the ice might i dont know slip in your bum or somewhere……..”
No asswipe no fooking way in hell would they do that as the fooking things fooking melt before they get anywhere fooking near it….
The nurses have asked him to go for a walk….
But yes i must admit hairs not a issue anymore(was trying to decided waxed shaved or trimmed for birth).. all smooth…. not sure whether it self combusted and burnt off… or they shaved me or it melted…. fantastic for hair removal….
I wonder if it will grow BACK…..
Its ok dinner at maternity has arrived…
Chilli con carne….
Can i possibly scream any louder?
I can hear Frozen’s “let it go” from the nursery….
Well hopefully tomorrow is better….
Ok so the badger is recovered not as hot as it was…. farted though and the warm air set my butthole alight…. to scared to shit…. mind due the frozen condom ice pops are fantastic but everytime i walk it sounds like fanny farts…. still havent been game to look…. from the feel of things my poor flaps are hanging and feel like bubblewrap…. went for a checkup today…. they saw me and took all their strength not to laugh…. mind due im walking with my legs spread that far the baby will probably fall out…. one wrong move and i will do the splits… was laying down watching a cooking show with the MR hes still not game to come near me…. they were cooking clams…. he smiled adoringly at me…. i threw my coffee cup at his head asshole….
BURNT BADGER UPDATE….
MUST MOVE TOWNS STATES EVEN….
NEIGHBOURS LAUGH AND WAVE IF THEY SEE ME….
MATERNITY IS IN HYSTERICS AND BABIES ARE POPPING OUT FROM MUMS LAUGHING….
MY BADGER FEELS LIKE DRIED UP OLD LEATHER….
ALL OF THESE I CAN LIVE WITH….
MY FOOKING CONDOM ICE POLE BADGER COOLER…. WAIT FOR IT….
FELL OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF WOOLIES FRUIT AND VEG….
A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE SHIT HEAD OF A TEENAGER SCREAMED HER DILDO FELL OUT…
WORSE STILL IM HOLDING A…. CUCUMBER….
MY FACIAL CHEEKS ARE NOW JUST AS RED AS THE BADGER…..
Now someone asked if i was wearing knickers…..
Yes i was wearing knickers….
Oh course i was wearing freaking undies did you miss my post about NASA searching my back yard for a ufo which turned out to be my massive fucking granny knickers blowing in the wind on the line?
I may be a little out there and all but i do NOT make a habit of running around knicker less….
But there again i also dont make a habit of rubbing chillis on my flange either…..
Nor screaming MY VAG IS ON FIRE….
But this last week i have burnt my badger…. i walk like i have a pineapple up my ass and freeze condoms full of slush and wedge it in my crack…. fuck it might as well go all out and just go naked….
Find Three: In time for Father’s Day this weekend, this short video of best dad saves…classic.
Find Four: This pertinent piece by Jessica Kirkland that went viral last week – the opening few sentences: I know everybody is laughing about this Josh Duggar story. Oh, a DUGGAR on Ashley Madison, it’s so rich! I wish more people would talk about Anna.
I loved it and I’m joining forces in raising girls who believe they breathe fire.
The full post:
I know everybody is laughing about this Josh Duggar story. Oh, a DUGGAR on Ashley Madison, it’s so rich! I wish more people would talk about Anna. I normally keep things light on Facebook, but let’s talk about Anna. Let me tell you: Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that! Anna Duggar followed the rules that were imposed on her from the get-go and this is what she got in reward- a husband who she found out, in the span of 6 months, not only molested his own sisters, but was unfaithful to her in the most humiliating way possible. While she was fulfilling her “duty” of providing him with four children and raising them. She lived up to the standard that men set for her of being chaste and Godly and in return, the man who demanded this of her sought women who were the opposite. “Be this,” they told her. She was. It wasn’t enough.
What is Anna Duggar supposed to do? She can’t divorce because the religious environment she was brought up would blame her and ostracize her for it. Even if she would risk that, she has no education and no work experience to fall back on, so how does she support her kids? From where could she summon the ability to turn her back on everything she ever held to be sacred and safe? Her beliefs, the very thing she would turn to for comfort in this kind of crisis, are the VERY REASON she is in this predicament in the first place. How can she reconcile this? Her parents have utterly, utterly failed her. Think of this: somewhere, Anna Duggar is sitting in prayer, praying not for the strength to get out and stand on her own, but for the strength to stand by this man she is unfortunately married to. To lower herself so that he may rise up on her back.
As a mother of daughters, this makes me ill. Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. Girls have to command it for themselves. They aren’t given it. They assume it and take it. But you have to teach them to do it, that they can do it. We HAVE to teach our daughters that they are not beholden to men like this. That they don’t have to marry a man their father deems “acceptable” and then stay married to that man long, long after he proved himself UNACCEPTABLE. Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn’t, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he’s in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must. To say “I don’t deserve this, and my children don’t deserve this.” I wish someone had ever, just once, told Anna she was capable of this. That she knew she is. As for my girls, I’ll raise them to think they breathe fire.
Also, Joel’s first Father’s day present arrived in the post. He gonna love it.
Happy Monday! Happy Clean Slate Day! See y’all back here tomorrow.