For professional photography sessions please visit www.redtentphotography.com

Still Worth Celebrating

I saw a HONY post a couple of days ago about a man in crack addiction recovery, attributing his success in staying clean to his childhood — that buried beneath his addiction was the memory of something good, a version of himself he could return to. He said that many addicts who don’t recover often come from a life where there is only negative behind them – no comprehension of who and how they could have been.

Anxiety creeps up on me sometimes. To me, anxiety feels like the world is out of control. It feels like this big, chaotic, disorganised, frantic place capable of causing enormous pain. To counteract the lack of order out there, my coping mechanism is to create order in here. In the past, that has looked like extreme exercise. Very strict eating habits. Routines that kept me predictable and safe. Social guardedness. I learnt at a young age that there were things and people worth being terrified of, and having experienced them first hand, terrified I was. The world is not a safe place became my war cry and I whispered it to my lonely, terrified self until I was old enough to work hard on replacing it with something different. Drop any four-year old child into a situation where nobody is there to protect her, and then have it happen again a handful of years later, with a different, sick man in a different, sick setting and I bet you a million dollars that child will have a hard time trusting she is safe and protected in almost every aspect of her adult life. Indeed, that belief is still a defining thought within my current life and though quieted, my war cry still beats away. The difference now, however, lives in the clause that follows: The world is not a safe place but you hold the power. There is nothing that anybody could ever do to you that could destroy you because you are stronger, fiercer, and braver than any of this world’s pain.

I know like anyone who has suffered trauma, and even anyone who hasn’t, that there is so little I can do to protect my children from everything that can go wrong in this world. And dear god, let me never project my fear onto their living a huge, full, grand, beautiful life. Let them have the hardships that will grow them into resilient, capable, brave and compassionate people. Let life be just hard enough that they can be in a moment thirty years from now and feel the full weight of happiness because they understand what it is to hurt. But dear, dear god — let them have their childhoods. Please grant them that. Let them have their make believe and their movie nights and their lounge room dancing and their backyard fire nights and their toasted marshmallows and their silly twinkly lights of their Christmas in July parties and let the magic that bursts from the very centre of what it is to be a child buffer them from the mess to come. So they may know a version of themselves they can return to should they ever need to. So they may know deep in their bones to whom they belong and so they know that life – despite its pain and its terrible heartache, is still worth celebrating.

IMG_2553

IMG_2559

Celebrating first ever movie dates with my girl.

IMG_2570

Celebrating winter adventures.

IMG_2501

IMG_2500

IMG_2505

IMG_2513

IMG_2537

Celebrating Christmas in July anticipation.

IMG_4328

IMG_4335

IMG_4303

IMG_4296

Celebrating sleeping children and everything a parent feels in those moments.

IMG_4294

Celebrating home made hot chocolates.

IMG_4344

Celebrating love.

IMG_4319

IMG_4321

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Do not be afraid. ― Frederick Buechner

IMG_2445

2 Responses to “Still Worth Celebrating”

  1. Jenna

    I thought I would comment seeing as no one else has, as I’ve been reading some of your other posts and am loving what you’re putting out to the world. I can’t speak to your trauma, other than to say how brave you are for talking about it and your insightfulness in all your posts is challenging me to think about how I can parent better, wife better, and create beautiful memories for my family.

    I’ve come to this page because I loved your photos in the baby goes retro rep search, but am so glad to have found your posts.

    Sending positivity to you and yours.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: