Last week, Ella went on her first ever excursion. Her kindy class was visiting an animal centre to learn all about bugs. Bugs are great and all but the thing she was most excited about was how she was getting there: By bus.
“Mum, I’m going on a bus. Without you or Dad!”
The week prior, parents had been emailed to ask if they could volunteer as helpers on the day and although I so wanted to ride with her on that bus, the excitement she felt in going without us — recognition of her own independence and growth –was more important than crashing in on her experience for the sake of myself.
I’m so aware of where I am in within motherhood. One child on my hip, another running ahead, ponytail bouncing up and down, not looking back. At night, when they’re asleep and I regain my composure, I wonder if I’ll feel regret. I wonder if I’ll feel like I made the most of it, these short fleeting years, because all I know is that one day I brought her home from the hospital and the next, Mrs English is teaching her how to write the letter K and I’m sending her off on buses without me. May I always remember mispronounced words and braiding plaits in the morning and soft noses pressed into mine and Billy’s lisp and how much it hurts and solidates me all at once to be their mother.
During the long, thankless, dirty days it’s sure hard to take stock of the good, but when we do, god does it change everything. And when little holidays come by to shake up the grind and let all that matters rise to the surface, the rewards of everything we sacrifice and work for are so clearly evident we’ll wonder why we don’t eat lollies for breakfast every morning.
Halloween, 2016. The stuff of childhood dreams.
And now we settle into the last two months of the year….my very favourite.
May we all take a minute’s silence for the Arrival of The Christmas Jammies. Otherwise known as crack for Christmas junkies. Ella tried them on last night and my hysteria went through the roof. “Mum,” she said. “I’m going to wear them forever.”
Girlfriend, I’m feeling you.
Lots of twinkle lights to come.